Reminders on Resilience

I have written about resilience and related topics of trauma and post-traumatic growth before. And I'm back for another crack at the topic due to significantly trying circumstances. In the notes that follow, I will talk about lessons in resilience that have been reinforced for me over the past year and more. It's not my intent to give you a blow-by-blow account of the challenges I have been facing. In reality, the specifics don't matter as much as how I have been working to place adversity - and even trauma - in perspective, and use some tools I already had at my disposal to move forward. What I will disclose is that in January, I lost my mother and the last of my parents to a stroke/complications of the stroke. Mercifully, her journey in ill health lasted a very short time and was preceded by decades of good health. She lived a good life. Within the context of my own life, her passing has not been, however, the most significant negative reality I have been having to manage in the past year.

The events of the past many months have caused me to question a whole series of foundational elements that I had taken for granted in my life. I suspect - and can probably say that I even know - that all of you have been in similar places at least once, if not more often, in your own lives. All too often in these circumstances, our approach to these adverse events is to spin, overthink, isolate and catastrophize. As humans, we are driven to respond to perceived threats, seek to contain or mitigate against these threats, go into some form of fight or flight mode (and perhaps both at different points in time) and try to get back to a preferred path forward of our own choosing. The challenge is the preferred path is the one we were on and now is no longer feasible to maintain. Too much has changed. Too much was and is beyond our control. And perhaps the path we were on was never as concrete as we thought it was.  

Given all of that, what have I learned, or rather, what have I relearned that has helped me persevere through my own personal challenges? What has provided me a sense of direction and hope for a new - if different - future? Listed below are some of the lessons and tools I believe I have rediscovered and have been using to move forward.

Accept Reality. For far too long in the past year, I worked to recapture or reinvigorate a life I thought I had. Call this resistance to change. Call it denying reality. Resistance or denial didn't serve me well at all.  It wasn't helping me see things for what they were. It wasn't helping me recover, learn, grow, or feel better.  Paradoxically, the more I tried to invest in a reality or state that wasn't going to be possible, the more these efforts actually prolonged my pain and difficulties. There is real truth to the adage that what we resist persists.  

The path forward for me then - which took several months to arrive at - came from accepting the environment in which I was actually living. To be clear, acceptance does not equate to resignation or giving up.  But it does suggest that the tactics I was using to manage through my reality were often not the right tools for the job in front of me. Once I was able to change - and accept - what I was seeing, I was able to move forward more productively. Again, this change in perspective hasn't meant that the path since then has been easy, without pain, or not been characterized by grieving. All of this is operative, but at least I have a better chance at doing more of the right things at the right time in the right way than I did before.

Accept What You Control - And Don't Control.  Working with my Core Strengths© assessment results, I noted key strengths as a person/leader as being Supportive, Loyal, and Persevering. These strengths are operative when things are going well in my world.  When I am challenged or when things are not going so well, I unfortunately double down on those very same strengths and become Self-Sacrificing, Gullible, and Stubborn (or masochistically persevering). That latter set of skills did not serve me well as I tried to navigate my trials and tribulations. Working back to the challenge of Accepting Reality, I kept trying to double down on solutions that were no longer appropriate to circumstances. By remaining so committed to a "cause", I merely heightened and extended my pain.

The realization for me eventually was I had to stop trying so hard to maintain a past state of (artificial?) equilibrium. As I would seek to work with my coaching clients, I also had to follow some of my own coaching process and questioning. Metaphorically speaking, I had to accept that I couldn't control the weather. All I could do was wear the proper clothing to manage in and through things I couldn't control. 

Establish and Rediscover Your Network. In trying times, too many of us get too much inside our own heads and don't work with or create a network of people - friends, confidantes, coaches, even therapists - that can help us process the issues before us. As I have said before, when working with others, our mind is a dangerous neighborhood to go into alone. A natural threat response is to hunker down and go into our caves as it were. Aside from this typical deep-seated threat response, at various points we may find ourselves confused by what is happening around and to us. Therefore, it may be difficult to even determine how or what to respond to and how to communicate this with others.

However, as in a typical coaching engagement, the out loud processing of our reality is a critical step forward in understanding what we are actually dealing with. As we engage in this processing conversation, we have an ability to better understand what is real, what is imagined, and what the next logical steps forward might be for us.  What we might also come to appreciate is that we were never really as alone as we thought.

I honestly can't emphasize this need for developing or reengaging with a supportive network strongly enough. The ability to process my thoughts with others, getting help to "right size" my reality, evaluate next steps, and just have one or more people present with me through pain has provided me with immeasurable benefits. I recently told two of my friends that their willingness to walk with me in this journey is a debt that I don't believe I'll ever be able to repay.

Focus on Your Health. I've been all over the map on this one in the past many months. At times, I have been able to get into a routine of physical exercise while at other times, most notably at the time of my mother's stroke and through to her passing, that ability to maintain a schedule has fallen by the wayside. Where I have been able to focus on myself, the ability to maintain a fitness routine has had direct benefit to sleep patterns along with supporting mental and emotional benefit.  

The network noted above is also key here as well. In this case, you might be able to get support from others to maintain physical, mental, and emotional interactions so necessary to your sense of balance in a topsy turvy world. Even the simple act of a walk in the woods, while socializing with another compassionate human being, can reap benefits from being in the fresh air, exercising, and finding normal in a time of chaos.  

Beyond what I have already mentioned, I have been trying to re-engage in hobbies, support diversion and focus through meaningful work, and even resurrecting the act of writing this blog. All of those approaches are helpful. Others that have been suggested to me are meditation and journalling - things I have yet to try but I know work for others.  

Bottom line, there is no more important time to strengthen yourself, remind yourself of your positive qualities, and engage in positive activity than in a time of adversity. The alternative is a slow cycle downward where less energy and enthusiasm begets even less energy and enthusiasm. 

Vision of a New Future. As hard as it often is, I also believe that what has helped me through adversity in the past and builds my resilience is crafting and imagining a new, positive future. Even if I start with the death of my mother - and how having the dubious distinction of being the oldest in my immediate family - it is clear that what was can no longer be. There will be no more daily calls between us. There will be no more care packages of handcrafted baking and foodstuffs lovingly made. There will be a new future ahead and I have a choice to create something that best suits the new facts as they are.  

This future will be built one step at a time. It won't be easy or clear on some days. It can be helped and nurtured along but not rushed into existence overnight. I suggest being patiently impatient in this regard.  Hope is not a strategy, but it is critical to helping us move forward beyond current circumstances. There will be forces trying to hold us back. Some of these forces will be external naysayers.  Other forces will be the voices in your own head. But create a vision, foster hope, dare to dream even if your dreams start small from those tiny seeds will a new glorious future sprout.

Resilience is a critical part of being a successful leader and a well-adjusted human-being. Reflect on past adversity. Draw lessons and strength from your past. Rely on your team. The storm will pass. See you on the other side. 

_______________________________________________________

Greg Hadubiak, MHSA, FACHE, CEC, PCC

President & Founder - BreakPoint Solutions

3rd Generation Canadian Ukrainian

gregh@breakpoint.solutions 

www.breakpoint.solutions 

780-250-2543

Helping leaders realize their strengths and enabling organizations to achieve their potential through the application of my leadership experience and coaching skills. I act as a point of leverage for my clients. I AM their Force Multiplier.

What's your Funhouse Mirror?

Executive coaches are often called on to support leaders and teams achieve a better understanding of themselves as individuals and/or support some form of appreciative inquiry on team performance and team dynamics. Often, we are called to be or hold up a mirror to our clients. This can be accomplished in a variety of ways: standard coaching session focused on goals and information presented by the coachee/team supported by insights obtained by the coaching process; a range of individual and/or team-based assessments, some of which have a 360 degree focus to them; and possibly traditional evaluative processes that fall into the realm of human resource tools and performance development initiatives that we are all familiar with.  

One of the most challenging aspects of this type of work is the degree of courage and honesty that any one individual or team approaches this introspective work with. In reality, all of us have a hard time getting a true image of ourselves by looking into the proverbial mirror - either through our own self-reflection, through an assessment tool, through feedback and even through coaching. What comes to mind for me as an executive coach, therefore, is the range of mirrors and the various distortions that are possible as we pass from one location to another in a funhouse.  

The work that I do can see individuals being overly critical of themselves in their self-assessments, particularly when compared to any 360 feedback they may receive.  More challenging, I can also see  circumstances when one's own self-assessment presents an overinflated positive assessment of leadership skills and potential as compared to far less rosy results obtained from others. 

The risk in individuals having a more negative view of themselves is they may not be fully stepping into their strengths thereby diminishing their potential positive impact to their benefit and that of their teams. There is so much more that can be achieved with a bit more self-appreciation and courage. 

In the latter circumstance, when one's self-assessment is overinflated and doesn't match reality and results experienced by others, the challenge and risk can present in a number of ways. Will the potential blow to ego be too much for the individual to handle? Will the results be completely dismissed resulting in a lost opportunity to learn and grow? Will the results lead to a deterioration in relationships in the workplace or even beyond?

Leadership requires humility to be open to what reality is, but it takes courage to unleash the true power that comes from owning what is and what can be.

As with the funhouse mirror analogy noted, we can all make choices about what mirror we want to stand in front of and what reality we prefer.  

In either circumstance above, the assessments or evaluations are never THE answer, nor do they provide direction as to next steps to take.  This is where courage and honesty - supported by the coaching process - become instrumental in determining degree of action taken or success achieved.  

One of the more interesting opportunities I believe a point-in-time assessment provides is to open a door to deeper discussion with an individual client or team. The harsh reality we might be exposed to might become the catalyst for needed change if we can summon the humility and courage to change. How do the current results compare to other feedback and patterns that may be informative or supportive to past information received (but perhaps previously dismissed)? Is this really the first time we are getting "bad news" about how we are perceived and/or are actually showing up?

Aside from the potentially distorted image we have to work through, and perhaps expanding on the mirror metaphor, what windows into the past might we need to look through? How can we learn from, but not repeat the patterns of the past that are getting in the way of our personal or team success? This is a tremendously hard task for many, particularly if, from an individual perspective, we are operating from a belief system that holds us back from owning our "facts". Do we believe a leader must always and only show strength? Do we believe a leader must never own up to opportunities for growth?  Are we constantly plagued by self-doubt and, as a protection mechanism, must always blame others for our lack of advancement or success in our careers?  

As a coach, consultant, and leader I have seen the reality of - negative - repeating patterns often. Leaders who have moved from role to role (and even from personal relationship to personal relationship), never having accepted that the reason they have been moved on (involuntarily in many cases) or have always remain frustrated in their "status" in their careers, is they have never been truly prepared to change and grow. They almost inevitably deny the information they are receiving on how they could be the authors of their own challenges. Other people just don't get them. They may even go so far as always and consistently blaming everyone else for the lack of progress, success, and recognition in their careers.  

Coaches, mentors, and even friends can only do so much in holding up the proverbial mirror for these leaders or teams.  As a coach, the adage that you can't work harder than your client parallels the well worn phrase that you can bring a horse to water but you can't make them drink. Experience also tells me that some leaders will never want to face their past and current reality as objectively or as courageously as they need to.

All we can do as coaches - if we are truly to be in service to others - is to continue to be courageous ourselves, hold up a mirror that is as distortion free as possible, help our clients use assessments or data as windows into their past patterns and current situation, and even be prepared to be discarded as coaches when humility and courage to change are not present in our clients.  

Objectivity, humility and courage. It's All About Leadership!

_______________________________________________________

Greg Hadubiak, MHSA, FACHE, CEC, PCC

President & Founder - BreakPoint Solutions

3rd Generation Canadian Ukrainian

gregh@breakpoint.solutions 

www.breakpoint.solutions 

780-250-2543

Helping leaders realize their strengths and enabling organizations to achieve their potential through the application of my leadership experience and coaching skills. I act as a point of leverage for my clients. I AM their Force Multiplier.

 

The Challenge - and Paradox - of Expectations

One of the key drivers of effective leadership revolves around the notion of expectations. What do I mean by expectations? within a leadership frame of reference?

First of all, you have expectations about being a leader, what that means in general terms, and what you believe or expect about yourself as a leader. Perhaps you have aspired to be in a leadership role since before you entered the formal workforce. Perhaps your expectations of what it means to be a leader come from formative experiences in school or sports. No doubt, you have also likely had your share of good and bad leaders, and those experiences have helped shape what you now expect of yourself as a leader.

Our formative experiences can lead us to believe that becoming a leader should result in a tremendous increase in power and privilege. Alternatively, we may enter into leadership roles with a great deal more humility and anxiety if we recognize that increased scope of responsibility comes with new obligations and challenges. 

Our expectations of ourselves can be sources of motivation and inspiration, AND a source of frustration and disappointment. To succeed, progress, and move forward, there is value in setting aspirational and stretch goals. In this case, we are setting the bar high with the belief that with strong commitment, effort, learning, and development, we can meet the standard we have set for ourselves. We seek to inspire ourselves to a new level of performance.

The caution around these expectations is to ensure they are grounded in reality and don’t – due to any source of setback – become a source of punishment and demotivation. “Failure” in this case must be objectively assessed for the learning it might impart to us, allowing us to either right size expectations of ourselves or re-invest in the original goals.

Second, as you were placed into one or more leadership roles throughout your career, you also know that you and your organization or boss had some expectations of each other. If you are fortunate, these expectations were made crystal clear. However, if you are like most of us, it is more likely the case that you and your boss discovered – perhaps painfully – that there were unclear or even unstated expectations around performance, commitments, and obligations of your leadership position.

A final aspect of expectations in play comes from the team you are placed in charge of and the peers in leadership you will be working with. Each of these individuals has expectations of what you and your leadership should look like, what they expect you to deliver for them, and how they expect you to treat them. The greater the level of leadership responsibility you take on, the greater the number of eyes will be on you, and the greater number of expectations there will be to juggle.

With those people external to you, the diversity of their expectations will, in fact, be as different and as complex as the number of individuals you interact with. What each of your followers, stakeholders, and constituents deems of value or importance to them can range widely. For example, some will expect you to

·       place greatest emphasis on doing what is right for the people of the organization (e.g., how can we grow and support their success and development?);

·       focus on bottom line results (however that might be defined), seek to drive performance, and recognize those individuals who meet and exceed targets;

·       set up best-in-class systems, processes and structures that ensure the right thing gets done, in the right way, on a consistent basis; and

·       be an incredibly inclusive leader, driven to get input from all, believing that the best solutions are created through consensus.

I have only touched the surface of these externally driven expectations. Depending on how front-facing you are to your customers, clients, or stakeholders, a whole range of other perspectives come into play.

And let’s add one more variable into the mix. Expectations are never static; they are constantly changing and evolving. Just when you have think you have everything crystal clear and your engine is humming in perfect efficiency, a wrench is thrown into the system. For example:

·       Your external business environment changes leading to a need for change in priorities for your organization.

·       Your boss changes. Now you have to adjust to a new style of leadership and new goals to decipher and deliver on.

·       Your team changes over time – they grow and develop, perhaps move on to new roles, or the team expands and contracts. That means your team’s expectations about how they are led and what you need to do for them shifts.

·       You yourself also grow and develop and look to have different personal and professional needs met. You might be looking for more or new challenges. Even your personal life circumstances might change and cause you to reconsider what your leadership path should now be.

Regardless of the reason for change, expectations will continuously shift over time. As a leader, you will have to evaluate and be attentive to the shifting sands of expectations from a variety of sources. 

Expectations can be motivating.  Expectations can be challenging.  Expectations are never static.  

_______________________________________________________

Greg Hadubiak, MHSA, FACHE, CEC, PCC

President & Founder - BreakPoint Solutions

3rd Generation Canadian Ukrainian

gregh@breakpoint.solutions 

www.breakpoint.solutions 

780-250-2543

Helping leaders realize their strengths and enabling organizations to achieve their potential through the application of my leadership experience and coaching skills. I act as a point of leverage for my clients. I AM their Force Multiplier.

It's All About You - Self-Leadership

In past posts I have talked about quiet quitting and the great resignation. The perspective I've taken has focused on what organizations could do/might do to address the realities of the evolving job market and labor force. What I haven't done is look to advise individuals - leaders or staff - in why they might choose to leave an organization. Nor have I actively encouraged resignation or a change of scenery. Why change tactics now? Well, the topic resonates more in the past few weeks as several of my acquaintances have realized that their commitment to a current employer is not being reciprocated OR, in some cases, they have been shown the door after years of dedicated and quality service. While many organizations often tout a perspective that human resources are the organization's greatest asset, their actions often drown out stated commitments.  

These recent experiences have also caused me to reflect back on my own re-introduction to the labour force back in 2012 (and the start of my coaching/consulting career). I've gained a lot of experience and perspective over the past dozen years, not the least of which is informed by my own Core Strengths Assessment results. What particularly resonates for me are my Overdone Strengths - things I do when things are not going well for me, perhaps when anxious or in some form of conflict, but efforts I engage in with the hope/expectation of still producing a positive outcome.  My top three Overdone Strengths seem to particularly resonate:

Self-Sacrificing: being so supportive that you give up your own interests and wishes for others

Blind: being so loyal that you overlook or ignore problems with plans or people

Stubborn: being so persevering that you justify your course of action despite others' views or preferences

I could go on, but the listing of the top three Overdone Strengths suggest to me (in retrospect) that I continued to invest far too much into a job and an organization when all objective evidence was suggesting that my efforts were in support of a losing battle. I failed to appreciate that my priorities were no longer (if they ever were) the organization's priorities.  

In the past I have suggested that - as individuals and leaders - we have to engage in appropriately selfish behaviour. The context for those previous posts related to the need to continuously invest in oneself and take time to recharge one's batteries. My advice in this post is perhaps more bold and assertive on YOUR BEHALF. Don't make the same mistakes that I did in assuming that your organization or your leader is as committed to your personal success or the same goals/values as you are. Be vigorously objective in always assessing whether your needs and priorities are really being met or stand a chance of being met. My specific advice - and thoughts to continuously review for yourself on a regular basis - is as follows:

One: Make Yourself and Your Needs a Priority. This first presumes that you have actually thought about and articulated/documented what is important to you and what your life/career priorities are. By doing this you can continually evaluate current and future fit with an employer. You may also find by this articulation that you draw new opportunities to yourself.

Two: Recognize When You Are Being Used (Rather than Valued). Objectively assess how often your needs and expectations are balanced against your leader's needs and expectations. If there is a decided imbalance at play and you continue to defer to the "big picture" at your expense, I suspect you will increasingly feel disengaged and de-energized.  

Three: Document Your Value. In many of my coaching engagements, one of the key approaches that helps an individual take on new challenges is owning their strengths and accomplishments. While we easily identify our perceived weaknesses, we rarely put as much emphasis on what we are skilled at. We might be tackling imposter syndrome here or just simply helping you own the possibilities beyond your current state of affairs.  If you don't see your strengths and possibilities being leveraged in the current state, it might be time to move on. 

Four: Invest Energy to Get Energy. Exhaustion at the end of the day should also be evaluated as a sign of the need to move on. If your exhaustion seems to arise out of feelings of being frustrated, disrespected, or defeated, then it's time to consider a move. If energy invested leaves you feeling exhausted from the effort but fulfilled and inspired, then hope remains. Pay attention to what your heart, mind, body, and soul are telling you. 

Five: Manage Nostalgia. It can be tough to move on, especially if there have been some good times and major accomplishments in your past. This experience directly relates to the feelings of loyalty and blindness that I noted for myself earlier. Our past experiences can cloud our judgement about the current and expected state of affairs. Challenge yourself to objectively test current reality. 

Six: Envision a Positive Future. The phrase "better the devil you know" comes to mind here as you consider a new future and possibilities. Paradoxically, I believe I was lucky in being involuntarily introduced to the marketplace. While my choice to move into consulting and then coaching was not certain, I'm pretty confident that I would have been far more hesitant to chart a dramatically different path if not pushed forward. Looking back it was clear that I lived in a lot of pain for several years and that my hesitancy to shift was based on lack of clarity of future success.  Upon reflection I can honestly say - Trust Yourself and Own your Strengths. You are capable of more and deserve the best. 

Seven: Remain Flexible and Seek Out Allies. Keep a vision in front of you and trust in better.  However, be prepared that its actual form and timing may not proceed in as linear a fashion as you might hope. In similar fashion, don't expect that yours can be or should be a solo journey. Be prepared to learn from others and be prepared to be helped by others - practice vulnerability and humility in the same way that you likely started your career so many years ago. 

Eight: Be Clear About What You Want. This tactic might be informed by previous suggestions, but I want to remind you that as you consider the next opportunities, don't be shy about being clear about what your are looking for or need from the next role. Don't settle. You don't have to. Look for the next thing that is truly your next best thing. Your prospective boss or organization certainly wants the best fit - you should apply the same lens to them. 

Nine: Be Patiently Impatient. Success and change may take time. Prepare for that. Try to find a way to persevere through change. Develop and foster new networks and new opportunities. Don't be afraid to experiment. Keep moving forward while you evaluate. I have often noted that it took me at least a couple of years to find my stride in my new career and not a small amount of success came from dogged determination (and perhaps not a little masochistic behaviour!). Keep putting yourself out there on the foundations of your strengths, vision, and value. 

Ten: Be High Maintenance. What do I mean by that!? This might in fact be a summary of all that I have said before. Be clear about what you are looking for and keep holding others (leaders, organizations) to that standard. As already noted, you deserve the best. Don't settle. Be bold and be confident. Look for an opportunity that resonates with your strengths and values. Recognize that the contract you have entered into may change over time. If that becomes the case, make sure you rinse and repeat these 10 tactics.  

I recognize that these "10 commandments" may seem like a tall order. However, at the end of the day, I believe that application of this advice will support not just your career success, but also your level of fulfillment with your life as a whole.  

It's all about you.  It's About Leadership.  In this case, it's about self-leadership.

_______________________________________________________

Greg Hadubiak, MHSA, FACHE, CEC, PCC

President & Founder - BreakPoint Solutions

3rd Generation Canadian Ukrainian

gregh@breakpoint.solutions 

www.breakpoint.solutions 

780-250-2543

Helping leaders realize their strengths and enabling organizations to achieve their potential through the application of my leadership experience and coaching skills. I act as a point of leverage for my clients. I AM their Force Multiplier.