My last post focused on the work of Linda Graham and her book Bouncing Back. I reflected on her five elements of resilient coping and how we can build new neural circuity to increase our resilience.
That blog prompted additional questions from readers about what my personal experience has been with a narcissistic boss. Readers/commentators wanted less theory or constructs from professional writers or researchers; they wanted to hear about my lived experience. What personal insights did I have on the topic of surviving (and later thriving?) with a narcissistic boss. Regrettably, I can say that I have worked with at least two such leaders in my career. The consequences were emotional, mental, and even physical. In both cases, self-confidence took a hit and directly led to physical ailments like stomach problems, sleep deprivation, and anxiety. But I not only survived, I also learned some valuable lessons along the way about how to cope with challenging leaders/people in the future and how I wanted to be as a leader (and person) going forward. Listed below are my personal insights and, I hope, some guidance for you if you are living through similar circumstances.
One, articulate or affirm your personal strengths, qualities, values, achievements, and essence. One of the most insidious tactics or realities of a narcissistic boss is that your self-confidence takes a hit. Why? Because most of us want to do a good job, most of us want feedback on our performance, and most of us are expecting that someone with greater authority and experience wants to help us learn and grow. People with positions of authority are people we should learn from, right? One of my greatest challenges with working with a narcissist was that "good enough" was a benchmark that was often ill-defined and constantly shifting. This was accompanied by feedback that mostly noted (supposed) flaws in my work and was woefully short in terms of clarity of what good should look like.
In these situations, we are either being told directly that our abilities are not up to standards OR we punish ourselves for falling short. In these circumstances what I have learned to do is remind myself of my values, core strengths, and past achievements. Ideally, this is work that has already been done, allowing you to go back and ground yourself in objective reality rather than allowing yourself to be tossed to and fro by the whims of a challenging boss. I have done this kind of personal reflection and assessment since my early 20's and have continuously refined my understanding of self through the years. It is incredibly helpful and I would encourage you to do this work for yourself.
Two, recognize reality for what it is. What I had to come to realize was that fundamentally, the situation I was living through was not about me. Rather, it was about a less than capable leader. This is not about you. This is about them. In both of the circumstances I can relate to, I started to realize how fundamentally broken the leaders I was working with were. At the core of their personalities was deep seated insecurity and fear of being anything less than perfect. Vulnerability, humility, and the courage to work with others who are/were capable was too big a bridge for them to cross. Their need to criticize and/or withhold positive feedback was not because I was failing or incapable. Rather, they needed to create some sort of reality that allowed them to feel good about themselves even if that meant trying to break down others.
Third, take time to breathe, pause, and process. Probably the best piece of advice I received from another leader who, like me, reported to the same challenging bosses, was to hold off responding to requests/demands until she had heard it three times. At first hearing this I was shocked at the approach. How could I not instantly drop everything and respond to what I think my boss was asking for? Well for one thing, in most of those situations my emotions were running high while my thinking capacity was probably at a lower ebb. The result was usually not being clear about what I was being asked to do, I failed to ask enough questions, and I failed to bring my best skills and thinking to bear on a situation. In these cases, speed kills. As hard as it is to implement, the best thing you can do for yourself is slow down, go for a walk, meditate, and settle before responding to a situation.
Fourth, cultivate your network. Too often when we are under pressure and starting to doubt ourselves, we hunker down and isolate. We do this as a natural protective response. If you think about trying to weather a storm or get away from a physical danger, our tendency is to crouch down, lean into the wind, or find shelter. We fail to take advantage of the connections in our lives that are incredibly useful and necessary to leverage at this time. I have learned this lesson the hard way. Too often I would see this reliance on others as a weakness. Or perhaps I feared that admitting my challenges with a narcissistic boss would only reveal that I was the only one failing and struggling. This has never been the case. Your network - in work and beyond - will help reinforce your positive qualities and attributes, help you see your situation objectively (see Point Two above), will allow you time to think and process (see Point Three above), and help you focus forward (see Point Five below). Cultivate and grow your network always. It takes time, energy, and investment in the good times, but it will pay huge dividends in the challenging times.
Fifth, create or get grounded back to your positive future vision. Don't let the narcissistic boss define you. This is a bump in a road, maybe even a learning opportunity, but use the situation to further enhance where you would like to be rather than seeing this as the best/worst you can achieve. You likely took on your current job with high hopes and expectations of making a difference, learning and growing, and setting the stage for the next great opportunity. You might also have been very excited for the team you thought you were going to be a part of. Again, ideally, this visioning work is something you have been doing for some time before coming up to the current reality. Don't lose sight of your positive, preferred future. If you haven't previously done this work then start to think about where you do want to go, grounded in the objective reality of your strengths and positive qualities (Point One) and further informed and reinforced by your network (Point Four). If you are having trouble visioning positively, start thinking about what you would want to have less of in your preferred future state.
None of these lessons I have learned makes the path forward pain free or easy for anyone. However, I hope it provides some tools and hope for you to overcome a personal challenge. As you try to implement these steps you will probably do so with some hesitancy and discomfort at first, but I promise you that the effort will lead you to a better place. Own your strengths and potential. Be courageous and even creative.
Greg Hadubiak, MHSA, FACHE, CEC, PCC