Recovering from Toxicity and Trauma

A heavy title for this leadership blog! However, as with a variety of topics that I tackle, this comes from a convergence of experiences and events in the past few weeks: a coffee conversation with a fellow coach navigating historical impacts of trauma, an engagement with an organizational client who feels like they are under constant attack, and questions from a former colleague about how to navigate narcissistic leaders and staff. This also came at a time when I received a book recommendation from a client and remarked on LinkedIn how sad it was that we actually needed a resource like this to navigate our careers (and likely also our personal lives).

At the core of all of these conversations was a recognition that manipulation, toxic behavior, and narcissism exist in significant degree in too many workplaces, and in too many aspects of our lives in general. The result is trauma, stress, chronic health issues, diminished mental and emotional health, and physical disability.  Further dissecting this notion of trauma, at its core, these realities can either present as a sudden loss in our lives (e.g., termination from a job/dramatic change in career, death of a loved one) or they can come from a slow, inexorable loss of self in an unfulfilling set of circumstances (e.g., inability to get promoted, to have our skills and talents fully utilized, to grow, surviving a toxic relationship). Ultimately, in its worst form, we not only lose hope for the future we intuitively know we deserve, but we also lose hope and joy in our present reality as well. This is where depression, anxiety, and despair take hold.

For one of my clients, they wondered when the attacks, manipulation, and innuendo would stop. Unfortunately, I had to say that they likely never would. This is based on my own experience of the past 40 years and learning from the experiences of others. More often than not, these attacks are not about you or your organization anyway. Rather, they reflect a deficiency or a gap in self-esteem or an insecurity that can only be dealt with by diminishing the efforts of another or the standing of your organization. In fact, as I write that out, it certainly reminds me about a lot of our politicians these days! 

So, what is the response to dealing with this reality? Keep reminding yourself about who and your organization really are. Own your values, your skills, and your achievements. Also, understand that while these negative and toxic voices may seem big to us in the moment, the reality is that they are not likely getting a whole lot of traction and airplay outside of your own head.  

Discussing these types of scenarios with other colleagues and connections, I also suggest that one of the keys to surviving and moving forward is ensuring that you maintain your professional and social connections. Toxic work environments and a narcissistic personality can cause you to self-isolate, raise your self-doubt, and ensure that you try to manage your challenges on your own, so keep in touch with people in your life. We all need a support network that can help to us process and right size what we think we are dealing with. This is where you can get help sorting out fact from fiction, reinforce your own worth, and develop reasonable tactics to maintain your strength - even if it means that you might make your own choice to move to something better and that recognizes your value.

One final tip that keeps coming back to me from all of these discussions is the great benefit from documentation, documentation, documentation. Now some of this can be something as simple as keeping your own journal in an attempt to get your thoughts out of your head and onto paper. That simple act can help you better process what is happening for you and also help you appreciate what is really happening and what is being imagined. Then, there is the deeper and more ominous need for documentation that gives you the ability to defend yourself in front of your superiors, your peers, and even in a court of law as necessary. Not something that most of us relish or expect to have to do, but at times, it can make a huge difference for your career and for your mental health.

A greater life is pressing to be born.

Michael Murphy

As I have written before, there is a certain paradox or irony arising from a traumatic event.  Namely, that it can shake you out of an unconscious state of being that we may not have realized that we are in and it can lead us to an ongoing process of healing. I can definitely relate to this with a past history of personal loss and a radical change in career path. While I definitely would not want to repeat those traumatic events, they did take me to new heights of achievement and enjoyment. Every once in a while, it is these types of events that get us back on the road to self-discovery, exploration, and demonstrate how much more of life there is to experience, live, and exalt in.  

If you are going through your own challenges right now, I hope you can take some solace from my lived experience. You have a greater life pressing to be born, whether that be in your career or in your personal life. Does that realization automatically or easily lead to nirvana? No. The healing path meanders and shows us options, opportunities, and even distractions. But trust me, the journey is worth it. There is better on the other side that is worthy of who you were meant to be. Pay attention, be mindful, keeping doing your deep inner work.  

This is a journey of leadership. Self-leadership. Leadership by way of example for others. Wake from your unconscious state and own your possibilities. 

_______________________________________________________

Greg Hadubiak, MHSA, FACHE, CEC, PCC

President & Founder - BreakPoint Solutions

gregh@breakpoint.solutions 

www.breakpoint.solutions 

780-918-0009

Helping leaders realize their strengths and enabling organizations to achieve their potential through the application of my leadership experience and coaching skills. I act as a point of leverage for my clients. I AM their Force Multiplier.

Plant Seeds - Even in Tough Times

I come from a semi-rural background. What I mean by that is while I didn't live or grow up on a farm, I had strong ties to and history with farming through both sets of grandparents. I spent many summer days and nights on these small family farms that went back to the very origins of my family in Canada. Some of the memories from that time remain vividly etched in my mind and none more so than those related to spring seeding and the fall harvest.

Without a doubt, these two times of the year were times of extraordinary effort and anxiety. In the spring, the work commenced as soon as field conditions permitted and there was always an eye towards weather forecasts and the sky. There were prayers that machinery would hold out against unexpected and unwanted repair. So too with harvest. Go hard and make hay while the sun - or moon - shines.

I find some parallels in the kind of work I do now and, indeed, the kind of work that any of us do. I suspect that at the start of any venture or the start of each business or calendar year, we begin with a sense of anxiety and guarded optimism. Whatever transpired from last year's "crops" provides no guarantee of what the next effort will bring or require. Perhaps last year's events have set a stronger or weaker foundation to start from. I believe the farming experience and metaphor of planting seeds and harvesting crops suggests some powerful lessons for how to approach other endeavours.

Planting our proverbial seeds does, just like farming, take preparation and thought. If we are to have a chance at a successful year, we must properly prepare the ground, utilize the best tools possible, stay focused, and plant the right seeds, in the right place, at the right time.  In the case of my own coaching and consulting practice, this has meant networking with purpose, being active in certain activities, partnering with others who can complement and supplement my skills, and investing in my own skills and abilities on an ongoing basis.

A commitment to developing one's own business, like farming, also takes the right mix of optimism and realism. The stats on startups and new businesses typically tell a rather grim story with a far greater chance of failure than success in the first year or two. I tend to think of the reasons for such failures falling into two broad categories: 1. lack of (significant preparation), and 2. over-optimistic projections of how successful one can expect to be in the short-term. Successful farmers similarly leave nothing to chance.  They put in the extra planning, equipment maintenance, and time to compensate for unanticipated and undesirable events. No one controls the weather - or the economy. I suspect, however, that just like farmers lamenting or worrying about the weather, all of us have an anxiety about business - and life - factors that are well beyond our control to influence. We can't control the weather, but we can be ready with the umbrella or rubber boots.

Successful business people, like good farmers, are also prepared to learn from the past, and from others, to reap a better harvest. This requires some rigour in understanding what did or did not work in the past and why. Failure to truly learn from past successes and failures causes us to attribute one to our skill and the other to the foibles of the gods.  In either case, successful strategies or solutions have not been discerned to inform the next effort. In respect of learning from others, I can't even begin to identify all the leaders, coaches and consultants who have informed my journey over the past 40 years. Their experiences - good and bad - have helped me develop new skills, approaches, and models along the way. Just like farming, however, there has to be a sense of adapting, not blindly adopting, tools and techniques that suit your particular field of work.

I also believe there is further advantage and opportunity to be gained by failing well. That's right, failing well. Now I'll admit that this may not seem to draw quite as strong a parallel to farming as other lessons noted above. But I believe it goes back to being prepared to learn lessons. I have personally had success in trying to reengage with prospective clients when a proposal I have submitted for consideration has been rejected. I believe the nature of my response to rejection has been a key to my recovery and subsequent success. A sincere and genuine interest in trying to discover how I could have presented or engaged differently on an RFP response has directly related to multiple different opportunities. How you fail, and how you respond to failure, is just as important as how you succeed.

One final note and look back to farming as a benchmark for business success. I believe all who have grown up in rural communities would attest to an underlying spirit of support and cooperation. If somebody needed help, it was often available to them, especially in times of distress. For those of us with roots in rural and farming communities, I'm sure we have more than one story of community collaboration. It's a bit of that spirit that I hope I bring into my coaching and consulting practice and what I value in some of my most trusted associates: offer help, guidance, time, and tools when asked, without expectation of return. A spirit of pay-it-forward that plants seeds for future collaboration, support, and engagement.

So, plant seeds. Prepare well. Look for opportunities and connections. Look for synergies and like-minded "farmers" to work with. Listen, learn, adapt, and apply. Offer help and support. Fail well.

Reap the harvest.

Do it again.

_________________________________________________________

Greg Hadubiak, MHSA, FACHE, CEC, PCC

President & Founder - BreakPoint Solutions

gregh@breakpoint.solutions 

www.breakpoint.solutions 

780-918-0009

Helping leaders realize their strengths and enabling organizations to achieve their potential through the application of my leadership experience and coaching skills. I act as a point of leverage for my clients. I AM their Force Multiplier.