A heavy title for this leadership blog! However, as with a variety of topics that I tackle, this comes from a convergence of experiences and events in the past few weeks: a coffee conversation with a fellow coach navigating historical impacts of trauma, an engagement with an organizational client who feels like they are under constant attack, and questions from a former colleague about how to navigate narcissistic leaders and staff. This also came at a time when I received a book recommendation from a client and remarked on LinkedIn how sad it was that we actually needed a resource like this to navigate our careers (and likely also our personal lives).
At the core of all of these conversations was a recognition that manipulation, toxic behavior, and narcissism exist in significant degree in too many workplaces, and in too many aspects of our lives in general. The result is trauma, stress, chronic health issues, diminished mental and emotional health, and physical disability. Further dissecting this notion of trauma, at its core, these realities can either present as a sudden loss in our lives (e.g., termination from a job/dramatic change in career, death of a loved one) or they can come from a slow, inexorable loss of self in an unfulfilling set of circumstances (e.g., inability to get promoted, to have our skills and talents fully utilized, to grow, surviving a toxic relationship). Ultimately, in its worst form, we not only lose hope for the future we intuitively know we deserve, but we also lose hope and joy in our present reality as well. This is where depression, anxiety, and despair take hold.
For one of my clients, they wondered when the attacks, manipulation, and innuendo would stop. Unfortunately, I had to say that they likely never would. This is based on my own experience of the past 40 years and learning from the experiences of others. More often than not, these attacks are not about you or your organization anyway. Rather, they reflect a deficiency or a gap in self-esteem or an insecurity that can only be dealt with by diminishing the efforts of another or the standing of your organization. In fact, as I write that out, it certainly reminds me about a lot of our politicians these days!
So, what is the response to dealing with this reality? Keep reminding yourself about who and your organization really are. Own your values, your skills, and your achievements. Also, understand that while these negative and toxic voices may seem big to us in the moment, the reality is that they are not likely getting a whole lot of traction and airplay outside of your own head.
Discussing these types of scenarios with other colleagues and connections, I also suggest that one of the keys to surviving and moving forward is ensuring that you maintain your professional and social connections. Toxic work environments and a narcissistic personality can cause you to self-isolate, raise your self-doubt, and ensure that you try to manage your challenges on your own, so keep in touch with people in your life. We all need a support network that can help to us process and right size what we think we are dealing with. This is where you can get help sorting out fact from fiction, reinforce your own worth, and develop reasonable tactics to maintain your strength - even if it means that you might make your own choice to move to something better and that recognizes your value.
One final tip that keeps coming back to me from all of these discussions is the great benefit from documentation, documentation, documentation. Now some of this can be something as simple as keeping your own journal in an attempt to get your thoughts out of your head and onto paper. That simple act can help you better process what is happening for you and also help you appreciate what is really happening and what is being imagined. Then, there is the deeper and more ominous need for documentation that gives you the ability to defend yourself in front of your superiors, your peers, and even in a court of law as necessary. Not something that most of us relish or expect to have to do, but at times, it can make a huge difference for your career and for your mental health.
A greater life is pressing to be born.
Michael Murphy
As I have written before, there is a certain paradox or irony arising from a traumatic event. Namely, that it can shake you out of an unconscious state of being that we may not have realized that we are in and it can lead us to an ongoing process of healing. I can definitely relate to this with a past history of personal loss and a radical change in career path. While I definitely would not want to repeat those traumatic events, they did take me to new heights of achievement and enjoyment. Every once in a while, it is these types of events that get us back on the road to self-discovery, exploration, and demonstrate how much more of life there is to experience, live, and exalt in.
If you are going through your own challenges right now, I hope you can take some solace from my lived experience. You have a greater life pressing to be born, whether that be in your career or in your personal life. Does that realization automatically or easily lead to nirvana? No. The healing path meanders and shows us options, opportunities, and even distractions. But trust me, the journey is worth it. There is better on the other side that is worthy of who you were meant to be. Pay attention, be mindful, keeping doing your deep inner work.
This is a journey of leadership. Self-leadership. Leadership by way of example for others. Wake from your unconscious state and own your possibilities.
Greg Hadubiak, MHSA, FACHE, CEC, PCC
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