The Practice of Gratitude

September 21, 2024, is World Gratitude Day. The intent of the event is to help individuals, organizations, and society at large to celebrate the broad meaning of gratitude. More specifically, it has become increasingly apparent that there are significant benefits of setting aside time and otherwise being conscious of all that is good in our lives. In my past leadership roles and in my current role as executive coach, I have often found that the vast majority of us seem to fixate on all the things we believe we have not attended to, have not gotten right, or otherwise ruminate on all that has gone wrong or could go wrong.  From personal experience I can certainly say that this is a highly de-energizing and demotivating place to be.  

In today's world we are also often inundated with all the worst news the world has to offer - conflict in the Middle East, war in Ukraine, polarization of politics in western democracies, natural disasters with significant loss of life and property, crime in our own towns and neighborhoods, and too many other challenges than can be listed.  All of these situations can impose a heavy burden on our mind, body, and soul, not to mention anything that hits us on a more personal level - loss of loved ones, day-to-day work challenges, financial challenges. Where is the room for gratitude? And does gratitude even feel like the right thing to think about given what I have already said?

I hope we can all start to say a resounding "YES" to this last question. I can certainly appreciate - and am living - a whole range of challenges that parallel what has been noted above. Not least of what has transpired for me is the sudden loss of my mother earlier this year. And I certainly would not have found a place to express gratitude for many months of 2023 and through much of 2024. Indeed, it was not until the middle of 2024 that I said, "Physician (or coach) heal thyself".  At the time I started journalling and asking, amongst other questions, "What am I grateful for?"

I try to answer this question on a daily basis. The exercise takes no more than 30 minutes and on some days it feels harder to engage in the practice than others. Events of the previous day often weigh heavily on my mind, but I believe it's on those days that this exercise is the most important to engage with and complete. It's on these days in particular that I gain the greatest benefit from appreciating what I have working for me versus what I might be thinking is working against me. 

How do I answer this gratitude question? For the most part, I would say there are some very consistent entries in my journal. Those answers include gratitude for:

• My daughters. And in the case of my oldest daughter, her boyfriend. I am grateful for the time and role I can play in their lives and for the appreciation they (sometimes) extend back to me.
• My friends and family. In the past year, these people have had an extraordinarily powerful supporting role through challenging times for me. In fact, in my journal, I document them as my community therapists. 
• Key people where I can sometimes get very specific with naming certain people based on what they have done for me in support of me in the previous 24 hours or more.
• The good health I still generally enjoy. There are certainly days that I find myself more fatigued than I would like, suffering from a few more aches and pains as I age, and discovering that I have somehow twisted my back in my sleep! Overall, however, nearing age 60, I am still capable of doing significant physical labour and can still describe myself as reasonably mentally agile :).
• My personal and business reputation. People still reach out to me in a variety of ways because of how I have shown up with them, supported them, and otherwise encouraged them in their own good and bad times. They have reinforced through their words and actions that the qualities I aspire to live to are in fact experienced by them in their interactions with me.
• My parents. Despite my dad passing in 2019 and my mom earlier this year, I have a strong sense that they are still looking out for their son through his trials and tribulations, while also rejoicing in his victories as they happen.
• My power to choose. I am able to do a lot as I choose to. I am not powerless. I am not restricted as so many others may be. I can engage in physical activity. I can travel. I can enjoy experiences.  I can make things happen. 

One of the final things that I try to express gratitude for is myself. In truth, this is where I actually start my gratitude entry every time. Is that egotistical? Perhaps. More importantly though, it is a place to ensure that despite whatever challenges I might be facing or attacks I might feel that I am under, I try to ground myself in the reality of who I am and what I have accomplished. I don't often go into a lot of detail here - which might be a mistake - but a simple entry can bring me back to appreciating my core values of integrity, courage, creativity, collaboration, and fun. The simple entry can remind me of the adversity I have overcome. The simple entry can remind me of what I have accomplished as a leader in my past roles and as an entrepreneur/consultant/coach. These FACTS can act as a powerful counterpoint to other PERCEPTIONS rattling around my brain.  As I have said before, our minds are a dangerous neighborhood to go into alone. Reminding myself of the FACTS of my life is like turning on a light in a dark room.  I get to see things for what they really are.

Does this exercise mean that I don't sometimes worry about my business, the expenses, how my retirement fund is shaping up (or not)? Absolutely. But more often than not, I now find myself more worried about the experiences I might be denying myself in the moment and what greatness still awaits me.  

What can you do on September 21, 2024, to live into gratitude? What can you do every day after that to live with more gratitude.  
_____________________________

Greg Hadubiak, MHSA, FACHE, CEC, PCC

President & Founder - BreakPoint Solutions

gregh@breakpoint.solutions

www.breakpoint.solutions

780-918-0009

Helping leaders realize their strengths and enabling organizations to achieve their potential through the application of my leadership experience and coaching skills. I act as a point of leverage for my clients. I AM their Force Multiplier.

Bouncing Back - A Personal Recipe

My last post focused on the work of Linda Graham and her book Bouncing Back. I reflected on her five elements of resilient coping and how we can build new neural circuity to increase our resilience.

That blog prompted additional questions from readers about what my personal experience has been with a narcissistic boss. Readers/commentators wanted less theory or constructs from professional writers or researchers; they wanted to hear about my lived experience. What personal insights did I have on the topic of surviving (and later thriving?) with a narcissistic boss.  Regrettably, I can say that I have worked with at least two such leaders in my career. The consequences were emotional, mental, and even physical.  In both cases, self-confidence took a hit and directly led to physical ailments like stomach problems, sleep deprivation, and anxiety. But I not only survived, I also learned some valuable lessons along the way about how to cope with challenging leaders/people in the future and how I wanted to be as a leader (and person) going forward. Listed below are my personal insights and, I hope, some guidance for you if you are living through similar circumstances.

One, articulate or affirm your personal strengths, qualities, values, achievements, and essence. One of the most insidious tactics or realities of a narcissistic boss is that your self-confidence takes a hit.  Why?  Because most of us want to do a good job, most of us want feedback on our performance, and most of us are expecting that someone with greater authority and experience wants to help us learn and grow. People with positions of authority are people we should learn from, right? One of my greatest challenges with working with a narcissist was that "good enough" was a benchmark that was often ill-defined and constantly shifting. This was accompanied by feedback that mostly noted (supposed) flaws in my work and was woefully short in terms of clarity of what good should look like.  

In these situations, we are either being told directly that our abilities are not up to standards OR we punish ourselves for falling short. In these circumstances what I have learned to do is remind myself of my values, core strengths, and past achievements. Ideally, this is work that has already been done, allowing you to go back and ground yourself in objective reality rather than allowing yourself to be tossed to and fro by the whims of a challenging boss. I have done this kind of personal reflection and assessment since my early 20's and have continuously refined my understanding of self through the years. It is incredibly helpful and I would encourage you to do this work for yourself. 

Two, recognize reality for what it is.  What I had to come to realize was that fundamentally, the situation I was living through was not about me. Rather, it was about a less than capable leader. This is not about you. This is about them. In both of the circumstances I can relate to, I started to realize how fundamentally broken the leaders I was working with were. At the core of their personalities was deep seated insecurity and fear of being anything less than perfect. Vulnerability, humility, and the courage to work with others who are/were capable was too big a bridge for them to cross. Their need to criticize and/or withhold positive feedback was not because I was failing or incapable. Rather, they needed to create some sort of reality that allowed them to feel good about themselves even if that meant trying to break down others.  

Third, take time to breathe, pause, and process. Probably the best piece of advice I received from another leader who, like me, reported to the same challenging bosses, was to hold off responding to requests/demands until she had heard it three times. At first hearing this I was shocked at the approach.  How could I not instantly drop everything and respond to what I think my boss was asking for? Well for one thing, in most of those situations my emotions were running high while my thinking capacity was probably at a lower ebb. The result was usually not being clear about what I was being asked to do, I failed to ask enough questions, and I failed to bring my best skills and thinking to bear on a situation. In these cases, speed kills. As hard as it is to implement, the best thing you can do for yourself is slow down, go for a walk, meditate, and settle before responding to a situation.  

Fourth, cultivate your network. Too often when we are under pressure and starting to doubt ourselves, we hunker down and isolate. We do this as a natural protective response. If you think about trying to weather a storm or get away from a physical danger, our tendency is to crouch down, lean into the wind, or find shelter. We fail to take advantage of the connections in our lives that are incredibly useful and necessary to leverage at this time. I have learned this lesson the hard way. Too often I would see this reliance on others as a weakness. Or perhaps I feared that admitting my challenges with a narcissistic boss would only reveal that I was the only one failing and struggling. This has never been the case. Your network - in work and beyond - will help reinforce your positive qualities and attributes, help you see your situation objectively (see Point Two above), will allow you time to think and process (see Point Three above), and help you focus forward (see Point Five below). Cultivate and grow your network always. It takes time, energy, and investment in the good times, but it will pay huge dividends in the challenging times. 

Fifth, create or get grounded back to your positive future vision. Don't let the narcissistic boss define you. This is a bump in a road, maybe even a learning opportunity, but use the situation to further enhance where you would like to be rather than seeing this as the best/worst you can achieve. You likely took on your current job with high hopes and expectations of making a difference, learning and growing, and setting the stage for the next great opportunity. You might also have been very excited for the team you thought you were going to be a part of. Again, ideally, this visioning work is something you have been doing for some time before coming up to the current reality. Don't lose sight of your positive, preferred future. If you haven't previously done this work then start to think about where you do want to go, grounded in the objective reality of your strengths and positive qualities (Point One) and further informed and reinforced by your network (Point Four). If you are having trouble visioning positively, start thinking about what you would want to have less of in your preferred future state. 

None of these lessons I have learned makes the path forward pain free or easy for anyone. However, I hope it provides some tools and hope for you to overcome a personal challenge. As you try to implement these steps you will probably do so with some hesitancy and discomfort at first, but I promise you that the effort will lead you to a better place. Own your strengths and potential.  Be courageous and even creative.  

Phoenix Rising! It's within all of us. It's within you. 

_________________________________________________________

Greg Hadubiak, MHSA, FACHE, CEC, PCC

President & Founder - BreakPoint Solutions

gregh@breakpoint.solutions 

www.breakpoint.solutions 

780-918-0009

Helping leaders realize their strengths and enabling organizations to achieve their potential through the application of my leadership experience and coaching skills. I act as a point of leverage for my clients. I AM their Force Multiplier.

Bouncing Back - A Recipe?

The topics of resilience, trauma and post-traumatic growth have been subjects that I have pondered for many years now.  This focus was sharpened by my learning journey as a coach and a particular learning opportunity that exposed me to the concept of post-traumatic growth.  As I read the article, I was struck by the insights and parallels to my own journey starting with the sudden death of my wife in 2007 and the subsequent reinvention of myself from that point over the next few years.  Long story short, since that traumatic event I have:

• dramatically changed my physical status, losing and keeping off (on average) 35 pounds;
• successfully completed multiple athletic events including several marathons, a Goofy and a Dopey (ask me about that if you wish), two full Iroman triathlons, and have even combined marathon experiences with destination travel in Venice and Berlin;
• successfully launched a coaching/consulting business, leaping forward into an entrepreneurial venture after 25+ years in public sector leadership (that more often rewarded risk aversion vs risk taking); and,
• successfully overcome major life and societal events like COVID, economic downturns, and other significant, negative life events.

At the present time, I find myself navigating a number of dramatic changes in my personal and professional life that cause me again to reassess and refocus on the next part of my life journey.  In particular, I have been spending significant time digging into the concepts of trauma, narcissism, resilience, leadership, and recovery.  I will be exploring these topics for many months (years?) yet to come.  Most recently, I was introduced to the work of Linda Graham and her book Bouncing Back.  

In her work, Ms. Graham, presents the Five C's of Resilient Coping that help to rewire old dysfunctional patterns of behavior that can be attended to and work to help us build new neural circuity to increase our resilience.  I expect this will be helpful in my current journey.  But why might this be relevant to you within the context of work and leadership?  My belief is that all of us have been challenged in the course of our working lives in dealing with challenging situations, including co-workers and leaders.  If not, count your blessings while at the same time take something from the discussion that follows to prepare yourself for any future challenge you may face.  So, let's dig into Linda Graham's 5 C's.

First learn to remain calm in a crisis.  I would say a key distinguishing factor for leaders who excel and those who do not is this quality of balance and calmness.  In far too many circumstances I have seen leaders who not only fail to properly diagnose the root cause of an issue but in their drive to lead (or manage their own anxiety) they make matters worse by their rapid reaction.  Metaphorically speaking, they more often add gas to the fire rather than fix the presenting issue.  Our inherited mindset of flight, fight or freeze doesn't help us in most modern-day circumstances.  As a leader we are particularly tasked with slowing things down long enough to see an issue for what it is, understanding its significance, assessing risk, and potentially even deciding whether the issue is worthy of response.  Patience is a virtue to be cultivated!  Breathe, pause, and reflect before taking action. 

Second, focus on achieving clarity.  Obviously, this is very much related to the first point.  It's hard to achieve clarity when you have given into your first instincts and find yourself hip deep in alligators!  The benefit of the patience noted above is that you can not only see the situation for what it really is BUT also better appreciate how your past experiences have served or not served you in similar situations.  The more clarity you can achieve for yourself the better positioned you will be to implement a better response - including the option of no response!

Third, get help.  I have said before that leadership is a team sport.  While there is no shortage of challenge in admitting imperfection or showing vulnerability, a good leader takes full advantage of the full resources of the team that should be available to them.  Now when I say team I do so the broadest sense of that term.  These resources need not simply be any direct reports you might have.  Rather, there could be a range of people, information and systems that can help with a given scenario AND in helping you grow as a leader.  Their past/current work and life experience are assets to be leveraged.  Don't let pride, ego or fear get in the way of using other assets that could deliver a better decision and result for you.

Fourth, remind yourself of your current skills, competencies and experiences.  Even as a I wrote this blog today, I found myself discussing this concept with two of my existing coaching clients.  And this subject often comes up in my coaching practice in general, as I debrief leadership assessment results, and in strategic planning engagements.  We seem to be wired to think more in terms of our real or perceived weaknesses or gaps in skills versus truly owning our strengths and abilities.  We are not empty vessels and we need to remind ourselves that we have come through adversity before.  Tap into those experiences and existing skills as starting points for managing through the current challenge. 

Finally, we have nothing to fear but fear itself, right?  Find your courage.  Take the next first/best step forward.  I am fond of a couple of phrases that I started using several years ago when I was President of the Edmonton Chapter of the International Coach Federation - "Why Not?" and "What If?".  Look for possibilities.  Be creative.  Objectively evaluate risk.  Look back to bullet #3 and #4 for some objectivity and even inspiration.   

As and when you build calmness, clarity, connection, competence and courage you will build out your resilience.  In this respect, think of resilience and the 5 C's as muscles.  The more you can use these muscles the stronger you will become.  Moreover, as you use these tools you will also be modeling resilience for those around you.  

Resilience - It's All About Leadership!

_________________________________________________________

Greg Hadubiak, MHSA, FACHE, CEC, PCC

President & Founder - BreakPoint Solutions

gregh@breakpoint.solutions 

www.breakpoint.solutions 

780-250-2543

Helping leaders realize their strengths and enabling organizations to achieve their potential through the application of my leadership experience and coaching skills. I act as a point of leverage for my clients. I AM their Force Multiplier.

Leadership is a Creative Process

 Leadership has been defined and dissected in more ways than we can probably number and from a variety of authoritative sources from which I draw my inspiration - Covey, Collins, Sinek, Kouzes & Posner, to name but a few.  Each of these leadership guru's has helped me identify, refine and grow my leadership philosophy over the years.

None of their musings, mantras and models mean much, however, unless they are matched against the lived experience of an individual leader.  To become truly useful and powerful the lessons that these authors try to impart must also be applied in the real world.  As leaders, we must put the various theories to the practical test in our own unique environments.  We must see what could work for us - or not - and then evaluate to what degree our level of success in implementation was the result of quality and intensity of effort, true understanding of the model and principles being applied, or some combination thereof.  Tools on their own are not the answer.  Tools on their own are not going to turn us into better leaders.  What is required is critical and concerted application and adaptation of that tool to our environment and skill level.

This is where I believe a key - and underappreciated - aspect of leadership comes into play.  The skill or tool of creativity.

I believe one of the least understood qualities of good and even great leaders is their ability to be creative.  This goes beyond being entrepreneurial or innovative in relation to getting new products or services to market.  In my view, creativity in leadership is characterized by a spirit of curiosity, a motivation for making impactful change, for trying something different and even a commitment to exploration with all the attendant risk that comes from trying something new.  Creativity in leadership means challenging oneself and the teams that are being led.  Creativity results in conceiving of and realizing dreams never thought possible before.  Creativity does in fact lead to exponential changes or quantum leaps in thinking and being.

What makes for a creative leader?  What provides the context for creativity for a leader and thus for their teams and organizations to build, advance and succeed - perhaps out of all proportion to their perceived limitations?  I believe there are a few key factors to consider:

Ability to Defer Judgment: A rush to judgment precludes understanding of the true or real challenges or opportunities before a leader and their team and constrains perspective on possible new opportunities, options and avenues of exploration.

Passion to Seek Out Novelty: While deferring judgment opens up the mind, the novelty principle requires a leader to actively seek out and explore options that are original, unique and out-of-the-box.  You might even note that such a leader is voracious and compelled to seek out insights from all kinds of sectors and sources.  

Drive for Quantity: This quality, building on the previous two, suggests that the quantity of ideas explored is an ally of the quality of ideas ultimately achieved.  Creative leaders always seem to have a variety of ideas in their heads.  In fact, it can even be exhausting keeping up with their restless energy and stream of thought!  In this case though, quantity is intended to leverage the probability of generating several good options.

Make/Seek Connections and Applications:  Creative leaders recognize that limiting their field of view to their particular industry or sector is woefully insufficient in terms of pushing the envelope.  This is also where the drive for novelty and quantity come into play.  Creative leaders look for ideas and synergies from a variety of related and (seemingly) unrelated experiences, sectors, fields of study, stories, and genres.  

And Practical:  One of the key aspects of useful creativity is the ability to implement something of impact or effect.  The ability to translate creative ideas into practical application is one of the key elements that separates the dreamer from the effective leader.

As I noted earlier, creativity in leadership is not simply about introducing new products or services to market.  One of the hallmark distinctions between leadership and management, or between being a leader and a doer, is getting things done (bigger things done) through others.  In the context of leadership, therefore, and in the tremendously dynamic and ever-changing reality that is today's modern economy and workforce, leadership also demands creative approaches, adaptability and flexibility in responding to and achieving the potential of one's teams. How does a leader create and apply a creative process to building the capacity and capability of their teams?    

In the context of leadership, therefore, the elements noted above (and likely more) need to brought to bear on leveraging the skills and abilities of a team or organization.  Moreover, the leader has to have the vision and be actively scanning the environment to understand the challenges or opportunities available to the team. Next the leader has to build a level of awareness on the part of the team as to the importance of these challenges or opportunities and why achievement of success is so critical.  Next the team has to be engaged in an experimentation phase - brainstorming, piloting, trial balloons - that start to put ideas to the test.  And finally, and most critically, something has to be implemented.  Engaging the team throughout the creative process allows for definitive buy-in and adaptation as environmental circumstances dictate.  

Leadership is an art - you are the conductor, the sculptor, the artist or perhaps even the chef.  You are the creative inspiration and shaper of your team to something beyond what any one of you could achieve.  Commit to your creative aspirations for your leadership and to the benefit of your team.

_________________________________________________________

Greg Hadubiak, MHSA, FACHE, CEC, PCC

President & Founder - BreakPoint Solutions

gregh@breakpoint.solutions 

www.breakpoint.solutions 

780-250-2543

Helping leaders realize their strengths and enabling organizations to achieve their potential through the application of my leadership experience and coaching skills. I act as a point of leverage for my clients. I AM their Force Multiplier.