Since the beginning the middle of March of this year a lot of things have changed and been called into question. I have been provided with more than one reminder of the toll taken on myself and on others as we have tried to navigate very challenging times. A small sample of the challenges include:
- How do we make choices with imperfect information and imperfect solutions to continue to advance the educational and social development of our school-age children?
- How can we successfully juggle or maintain some semblance of balance in our lives as we socially isolate, work from home, and sustain a distinction between work and home?
- How do we reman connected with our loved ones who may have health and financial challenges of their own?
- How do we stay connected, period?
The challenges of these times have been brought home for me in many different and powerful ways. A client of mine who is trying to help a loved one navigate a terminal cancer diagnosis that is now measured in weeks of life left at most. The recent passing of a mentor of mine. The suicide of two of my fellow travellers within the past couple of months and days apart from each other. A reminder from a colleague of mine in the banking sector that others continue to struggle and fear for what comes next when loan deferments and nest eggs are potentially exhausted in the next several months. Others left wondering what happens to their career choices or options that they have been working towards for the past number of years.
For me, this all points to having compassion and grace for ourselves and each other as we navigate some of the most challenging times we are likely ever to face. It is also a reminder that we still have the choice to be present in much stronger ways than ever before. And it reminds me that we have choice to show up differently in big and small ways if we remain present to opportunity.
"Be the change you wish to see in the world."
Gandhi
At this point, I am reminded of a turn in life that happened for my wife and I over two years ago. Despite the passage of time, I believe it is important to remind myself of that reality and I hope it will also illustrate my points on compassion grace and the importance of presence to self and others.
In January 2018, my wife and I set out to complete a personal challenge. The anticipated conclusion to that effort was supposed to read something like we came, we ran, we finished The direction the journey took, however, was markedly different than planned. Aside from the typical things we might have expected from this marathon+ adventure (e.g., cold weather, thousands of people crowding a course, falls, cuts and bruises) the journey to and through the Dopey Challenge reinforced the critical importance of knowing and living to one's values and priorities.
Our adjusted adventure began early on our flight from Toronto to Orlando. Within the first 30 minute a medical emergency was announced by the frantic calls of the wife of a stricken passenger. My wife, aside from being a coach/consultant, jumped into care mode as the registered nurse that she remains. Working in partnership with a couple of other nurses she proceeded to work under less than ideal circumstances to support and maintain the distressed male passenger. This went on for at least 2 hours. At the same time I had the opportunity to take care of - or entertain - the couple's 5-year old daughter. I quickly learned that the family of three was on their way to experience their first trip to Disney World. Not quite the start envisioned for a memory-making vacation.
Upon arriving in Orlando, my wife engaged with emergency medical personnel on the ground to facilitate handover. We offered assistance as well to the wife and daughter to get to the hospital or in providing other supports as they required. What was interesting to me at this point was how, at the conclusion of the flight, the dynamic of support we had seen on the plane had changed. Of the myriad of people who have been around the stricken passenger precious few now seemed prepared to extend their efforts and compassion beyond the arrivals lounge. To my cynical and jaded eyes it appeared that not many were prepared to sacrifice even a small part of their vacations for a stranger they had just met no matter how compelling the story.
"The future depends on what you do today."
Gandhi
We made an effort to remain in touch with the family in the next 24 hours. We had made plans to visit various theme parks in and around our races and offered to act as chaperone to the 5-year old girl. Having young children of our own we felt comfortable in the belief that we would have been in our element. The offer was acknowledged but not taken up immediately. No surprise. We were, after all, strangers to the family and updates at the time indicated that the father might be discharged from the hospital within a couple of days.
Within less than 48 hours of arrival, however, things took a turn for the worse. We had completed our first Disney run of 5k early on Thursday and had been visiting Universal Studios when we got a text around mid day to see if we could in fact take care of the 5-year old daughter. The father had been admitted to ICU and was struggling. We didn't hesitate. For the rest of the day we proceeded to entertain, as best we could, our new found charge. We were overwhelmed by the courtesy, manners, lightness of spirit and overall capacity emanating from this beautiful little girl. In a very short period of time she won over our hearts.
At this time we also started to have serious discussions about whether we would shelve the rest of our races to support the family as they dealt with this unexpected challenge. Our conclusion - despite months of training and anticipation - was a resounding and unhesitating "YES". Our values directed a rewrite of our priorities. As the day progressed, however, we learned that other family support was arriving and we could expect to relinquish our "parental" duties that evening.
Upon the arrival of this additional family support to our rental we learned from these family members that the father had in fact passed away.
We were left to say goodbye to our new found little friend, trying to hold our emotions in check, trying not to give away our dart secret, knowing that in a few short minutes that she would be seeing her mother and getting the news that her world had irrevocably and tragically been altered. The experience was more than surreal. Later than night, and in the days to come, both my wife and I found ourselves breaking down in tears, truly unable to come to terms with what had transpired. Too often, I was brought back to the loss of my first wife in similar circumstances, left to raise a 6-year old daughter on my own.
For the next few days we likely operated on autopilot. We ran our races, followed our routine as best we could, but truly found ourselves feeling unfocused and off centre. As we read Facebook posts from friends and family of the deceased we found ourselves lamenting this loss even more. The father and husband seemed to have cut a wide and positive swath in the lives of others despite his relatively young age of 42. His interests spanned many of my own including a love of astronomy. He was a musician. Some called him a renaissance man.
Why this long, convoluted story and what does any of this have to do with my opening remarks? First, I believe this is a story that had to be told, and life that had to be remembered, if only to honor a fellow human being. Second, I believe we must acknowledge the profound impact that can come to any of us who are prepared to be open and vulnerable to others. This man clearly had impact on those around him - and not just his family. In many respects he acted as a role model, cheerleader and even leader. One saw all of this in the messages that followed his passing and memories that are still discussed to this day.
I've always seen myself as highly goal-oriented and planful. However, this experience and the events that I recounted that have happened in the heart of COVID, continue to teach me the power and necessity of being flexible. They also remind of what I say my values are and how I believe I should live. Our values were put to the test through this experience and are continuing to be tested now. I believe we choose wisely and in accordance with our values then and I hope we can live up to those same values through this latest test. By living to those values we opened up ourselves to the gifts we received from a 5-year old within a microscopic slice of time. She and her mother helped reinforce the power and value of compassion and vulnerability.
Words truly seem inadequate to convey this story and the evolving story we are all going through today. I come back to the need to make sure you know your personal values and assess your actions - in a conscious way - against those values.
Be prepared to be flexible, compassionate, and even vulnerable right now. I have seen and felt the power of being in service to others. Appreciate the impact you could have for others, but even more so the impact on you and who you can become from that courageous step.
I continue to lament the loss of a friend I never got to make back in early 2018. I lament the loss of those that have passed since and have been challenged by our current reality I remain connected to a wife and daughter that I might never have known if we had not been prepared to be present and to show up with grace and compassion in light of the pain and suffering of others.
Sometimes its NOT just about leadership. Sometimes its just about being human.
"Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it."
Gandhi
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Greg Hadubiak, MHSA, FACHE, CEC, PCC
Executive Coach/Consultant
BreakPoint Solutions
gregh@breakpoint.solutions
780-250-2543
Helping
leaders realize their strengths and enabling organizations to achieve
their potential through the application of my leadership experience and
coaching skills. I act as a point of leverage for my clients. I AM their Force Multiplier.
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